By Douglas Woods
In my relationship work, this question is probably the one Ihear most often. It is not an easy question to answer. The usualglib answer; "because they can", is really not good enough.People, particularly women, want to know the reason why mencheat, or more particularly, why their man cheated.
Different women have a different view as to what constitutes'cheating'. For some women, for the man simply to look atanother woman may be regarded as cheating, for other women it isbeing intimate with another person that constitutes 'cheating,and there are some women who appear able to accept flirting andeven intimacy with another person but it is an emotionalinvolvement that constitutes 'cheating'.
So let us try first to establish what is 'cheating' and whatmight be considered 'normal' behaviour in a man. First of all,there needs to be some degree of commitment and exclusivitybetween the two partners, furthermore, this commitment needs tobe understood and agreed by both people. Without this there canbe little question of 'cheating' on behalf of either party.
Obviously, marriage, engagement, living together wouldconstitute a degree of commitment. Regularly dating for aperiod, may also be seen as constituting a commitment. It ishere that the confusion starts to arise for a man may not feelhe is committed to another person until he has said so to her,for the woman the simple fact that he dates her regularly may beseen as a sign of commitment.
It is where there is a disagreement as to the level ofcommitment involved, that most problems occur. The man may feelhe is free to see another person without it being considered'cheating' but the woman (his first partner) would be morelikely to consider it cheating.
Also, there is a degree to which a man separates the physicalact of lovemaking from the emotional attachment to anotherperson. A man is able to perform the physical act withoutbecoming emotionally attached to the woman. A man may often citethat a fling or an affair was 'purely physical' and that it doesnot mean that he is not now physically and emotionally attractedto his first partner. For a man, this is often true and is notsimply an excuse. However, the woman is likely to view thesituation differently.
Very often, a woman who suspects her man of cheating wants someevidence or proof of it. This is often to satisfy andcorroborate her belief. However, the woman often has not thoughtthrough what she would do if the evidence became proof of herman's infidelity.
For the woman, proof of her man's cheating brings emotional hurtand anger. It will often also bring about feelings of distress,loss of self esteem and a feeling that she was to blame. Thiscreates a dilemma for the woman; should she try to repair therelationship out of belief that somehow she has been to blamefor his infidelity or should she end the relationship acting outof anger or emotional distress? The emotional consequences of aman's cheating are not usually apparent to the man, certainlynot prior to his act of cheating. It is only afterwards that aman may have some feelings of guilt. However, if he is not foundout, then these may subside and the man comes to believe that hecan get away with the cheating. Even so, if he tries to continueand to get away with his cheating, he still knows that at somepoint he is likely to be found out. At this point, it can becomea contest, how far can he go without being found out?
To some men, having many partners is seen as a symbol of theirstatus. Even when in a committed relationship, they may thinkthey have a need to boost their status, esteem or ego bycheating. The loss of love, affection and support as a result ofa simple thrill, does not occur to them until too late.
In their hearts and minds, men know that cheating is wrong, yetoften their egos, their physical needs and, quite simply, thetemptations overrule their hearts and minds.
So has this article answered the thorny question of why mencheat? Probably not. This is a complex issue and the causes orreasons will vary from instance to instance. No one can tell youunequivocally why your man may have cheated, not even your manhimself.
In such circumstances what you, the two of you, have to decideis whether you want to repair the relationship or end it.
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